A while ago, I reviewed my ex-bassist Lee’s project Rumi Music, which is just one of several albums he’s finished since being knocked out of the bass-playing (and walking and talking) business by ALS. His latest shtick is a 2012 Presidential run, so as a speech-writer audition I thought I should create a personal philosophy for him, based on an idea he sent to me, which was something like: “Listen to this awesome song I wrote. How could anyone listen to this and not believe in God?”
Lee Abramson’s Personal Philosophy*
Since the dawn of time, people have argued about the existence of God. I, for one, have never had a doubt, nor has my mother, starting at the moment of my birth, nor any of the lovers, medical professionals, people at the gym or on the subway that one time, or others that have seen me undressed, for I can confidently say that it is impossible to behold my penis and not believe in God.
It’s hard to say what makes my penis so belief-inspiring. Could it be its Platonic perfection? Could it be its just-so girth and length? Could it be its indescribably beatific hue or its extraordinary acrobatic characteristics? All I know is that the force of its presence, whether visually apprehended or even just its proximity under layers of clothing, has been known to induce rapture and song in passers-by, and occasionally heal the lame. Persons thought to be sterile have by the presence of my penis become fountains of fruit, and regions torn by drought, pestilence, and war have been transformed into lush and peaceful lands of rhapsody and repose. When directly witnessing such divinity, who could dare to deny its existence?
You might ask, with all this power between my legs, why do I not right all the world’s wrongs? Why do I not end the suffering of the world’s starving children and bring governments together in an eternal embrace, centered around my penis? Why do I not at least reveal my penis to the world’s philosophers to resolve their disagreements about the existence of God? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because I love only you, baby. This penis, my penis, divine gift and apex of evolution, is only for you. So shoot me a text and let’s hook up. Aw yeah!
*This personal philosophy should not in any way be taken to reflect the actual, current views or predilections of this person, though, given that it was crafted JUST for him or her, he or she should really feel obliged to adopt this philosophy out of politeness if not actual gratitude.